Why I Love Him

Still here

2009-12-10T12:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I have posted. Of course a lot has happenned since then, but mostly I just wanted to shout out in the internet-o-sphere how much I still love my man. We have had fights, some worse than others. We have also had some really great times too. One thing is for sure, what doesn't make us kill each other does make us stronger.

I hope you know just how much I love you no matter what I say when I am angry at you. Lets keep trying to communicate better and grow together. Soon we start a new chapter. I can't wait!

I love you.

Creature Comforts

2009-06-10T20:32:00.002-04:00

He's made the bedroom more comfortable for me by keeping the fan going in there on high. I have been having wicked night sweats and hot flashes for a few weeks now. When I am sick in the mornings he rubs my head while we are laying in bed. When I am down and out like I was this morning, he comes and checks on me often and gives me kisses which always make me feel a little better.

It's the little things like that make it all not quite as hellish as it could be. Thank you for making it easier to bear the pain and discomfort. I love you eternally.

Love Brighter Than The Stars

2009-06-03T13:43:00.002-04:00

Last night we made love very gently for only the 2nd time in months. It was the most romantic bonding that I can recall between the two of us in a long time. The way he held me and touched me and looked in my eyes. It melted me the way that he kissed me and pulled me close to him. The way that he did all of these things so smoothly and so wholeheartedly. I fell even harder in love with him.

Cervical cancer doesn't exactly lead to an active sex life when you have a tumor the size of a baseball down there. So it's not like I don't want to but I can't because of pain, etc.

Last night was special because he was so gentle with me that there was no pain, only love. I love you even more than there could ever be room in the heavens of the multitudes of galaxies. There aren't enough stars to shine bright enough the magnitude of our supernova. I will love you forever.

Getting Some Head!

2009-06-02T13:18:00.002-04:00

Last night after a long day of chemo topped with radiation, I laid down on Bret's lap and he rubbed my head for a good long time. During that time all I could think about was how good it felt. I forgot about everything for a little bit. And that was very nice. I love you for taking me away from it all of it in my head by rubbing my head. I love you for many more reasons than that, but that is just one of the small things that you do that make it so easy to love you.

Delicious!

2009-05-30T23:31:00.002-04:00

Today I felt pretty good and it was a beautiful day, so Bret took me for a drive up to Mt. Mitchell. While he was getting the car ready, I got myself ready. I did my hair, put on some makeup, and put on a dress. I wouldn't let him see me while I was getting ready. When I walked out of the house and towards him, he just stared. When I got to him, he said "wow, you look delicious". I will be smiling from that one for a long time. I love you so much.

(first time I had worn a dress in 9 years! and we have been together almost 2!)

Cedar

2009-05-30T23:24:00.002-04:00

Just about every day now, Bret takes Cedar out when he needs to go. That little thing in itself is a big deal when I feel like I cant even get up, much less take him out. He put up a nice long dog run that our friend Matt gave us. Cedar has the run of the whole back yard practically. Sometimes Bret takes Cedar out for a while and they hang out and do thier guy thing in the yard. If one pees, the other one has to, hehe.

Taking care of my dog when I am too sick to means a lot to me. Thank you baby.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend!

2009-05-30T23:00:00.002-04:00

I have a wonderful boyfriend. Lately I can't seem to tell him enough how much I love him. So I wanted to start a blog so that I can document how I am feeling about him and to write about all the sweet things that he does for me so that I can read it whenever I want.

I found out about a month ago that I have cancer. When I found out, I was immediately afraid of losing him. That was my first fear. Not for my life, but for him. Because without him, it wouldn't be nearly as worth living. Well, it would, but it wouldn't be what I chose if given a choice. I told him about this, and he told me that I had nothing to worry about. But that was not good enough for me. I insisted on all the aspects of my fear. Mainly it was my own insecurities about physical appearance. I was afraid of becoming what I perceived as a "monster", and him not being able to handle that. And you know what that was? Me trying to hide the real fear. That his love for me wouldn't be strong enough to handle cancer.

And that was the most stupid thing I could've feared. At first, it's a lot to absorb, and you are still in shock for a while. But it became clear to me that Bret loved me with all of his heart. When he is helping me up because I am too weak to get up without shaking or losing my balance, the look in his eyes as he is looking at me tells me he does. The way he checks on me and makes sure I have everything I need tells me he does. His kisses. Those really tell me. Shivers...mmmm.

I love it when he touches me. The warmth feels so good. It makes my heart smile!